Spite

 Well this is fucking fantastic!  Promises broken already.  I was told you wouldn't do to me what that girl did to you.  I remember you telling me that.  And now we aren't even friends anymore.

Fantastic.

Talk to me when this bullshit is over with.  You're way too cool to be out my life forever and I know someday you will want to be friends again.

You have no idea how hard I'm going to try to stop crying over you.  It's not worth it.  Almost everything I ever cry over isn't worth anything.  This included.

Good Day!
  • Current Music
    Matt Nathanson... oh fucking figures... goddamn it

Repetition Burns the Soul

 I cried in class today... I thought those days were over when I got over the last Her.  I'm not sure how this happened.  I really didn't mean to fall for her.  It's not love, but it was a slippery slope toward it.  I'm glad I got out now, before that happened, but I've never had to lose a friend before.  Not just a friend.  I've never had to give up someone so amazing; so like me; not perfect, but perfect for me.  I would never make her choose, so I'm taking myself out of the picture.  It feels like giving up.  I hate giving up when it's not a lost cause.  I want to fight for her, but she has never been mine to fight for.  I didn't expect this to hurt so much.  I've only known her for, how long now, three, four, maybe five weeks.  I give myself up too easily.  It seems to always be to people who can't do the same for me.

This situation became too similar as the last Her.  All these secrets.  

"Don't talk about me."
"She'll find out."
"Text and facebook chat only."  

Only nearly untraceable ways of communication.  For fuck's sake, its not like we're engaging in underground blood orgies.  Our "secret meetings" are barely flirtatious and nothing untoward ever goes on.  It's not like we are secretly dating.  We're secretly FRIENDS.  This is bullshit.  I can't do this.  I can't put myself though this.

God!  Thinking about not talking to you hurts so badly.  I miss you so much already.  It's humiliating.  It shouldn't be like this.  I should be OK with this.  Its only been FIVE GODDAMN WEEKS.  I shouldn't have these feelings.  Why does this always happen to me?  It seems like I keep having these intense relationships with people and there isn't ever any sex.  It's all completely emotional.  It hurts worse.

How can something so unphysical hurt so much.  My chest aches and my ribs hurt like I've been punched in the chest.  Thinking about you makes it hard to breath.  I don't understand it.  It would make more sense if I was in love with you.  Such loss of a friend shouldn't do this to me.  I don't get it and it scares me.

I miss you so much.  Come back to me when she's OK with it, please.  I'm buying your surprise gift and holding it for you until that day comes.  I hope it's soon.
  • Current Music
    A Kind of Hope- Pilate

A Sense of Longing

 Tonight was awkward.

She gave me the "stink eye" . . . a lot actually.  It was getting on my nerves how often I would look behind her for someone I knew and caught her looking at me.

I'm glad I got a chance to say hello to Pedro, Heather, and Stacy.

I called her Moonshoes and she didn't get it at first . . . it broke my heart a bit.

Missing you is so much more difficult when you're less than 10 feet away from me.

I wanted to text you throughout the night, but I didn't want her to know what I was doing.  It would only upset her more.  I know you can agree with that.

I started to tear up when I got your text today saying you missed me.  It meant so much and it made tonight so hard.

My silver lining though would have to be finally seeing you look at me and smile.  I waved and you did something with your hand, but I couldn't tell cause you were more in shadow than in light.

Orange team meetings are going to be awkward, I realized tonight.

It also seem that now my sixlets seem so far away, I keep having intense cravings for them.

I hope to meet up with you tomorrow in 3rd floor lounge.

I miss you.
  • Current Music
    Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, Three Day's Grace

Jealousy and Wishes

 Fuck.  (oops, thats how my last post started out too... i promise this isn't a story though . . . or maybe i could make it into one... yeah i think i will.  it'll be more eloquent and true than if i go on a stupid, rambling, bumbling rant of a post.)

So here goes...

Fuck.  Its seems like this is my destiny, my fate, my cruel forever punishment for being a cunt to my ex-boyfriend.  For breaking up with someone who was intensely crazy about me; who loved me more than anything in the world.  Well I didn't love him back and its rude and unhealthy to stay in a relationship with someone who you don't love, especially if the feeling isn't mutual.

I thought I had come full circle when the woman I fell in love with, admitted she couldn't love me and had to force herself to stop.  She ripped apart everything I thought I knew.  She told me that the whole time we were together, she was still in love with her ex.  And now they are happy-go-lucky and engaged and going to be living together in a year or so.  I'll miss her, but no longer love-loss.  I was relieved when I finally fell out of love with her; even though it took a long fucking year to accomplish.

But the world is out to get me again.  And I'm ensnared in jealousy so strong, my vision is starting to tint verdant.  I'm such a fool.  Why did I have to develop feelings for Her (yes, I know, another infamous "Her".  The nameless, faceless, object of my forever interest, now personified in a new person, but still just as unattainable to me and thus gets the exact same capitalized pronoun).  Somehow, I think it would have been different if a few certain things happened sooner than they did.  That damnable game of "What if . . ."

"What if I had revealed my interest when they first piqued?"

The disappointing part is that she wasn't "Her" at that point.  She wasn't unattainable then.  But no, things have to go against the grain in my life; It's so horrible; I'm forever pitiable; and whatever dreary, lousy expression you can come up with.

I think the hardest part is that it's all somewhat mutual.  It would be so much easier if she had no interest; ah, but nothing in life, let alone my own, is ever easy.  Easy is never interesting, and, boy (girl?), is my life interesting.  Either way, she likes me back.  We relate like I have never related to anyone ever before.

The most laughable, and damnable, part of this whole clusterfuck is that we can barely even be friends.  To refer back to a previous point, Jealousy is a fucker.  Because of Jealousy, Im reduced to a smoldering mass of something similar to sadness, and confined to secret friendships.  To say in a very inarticulate manner, This.  Fucking.  Blows.

So for now, I'm at a complete and utter loss of what to do, how to act . . . In all honesty, part of me wants to just turn my back and for once in my life find someone who CAN be with me instead of someone who just wants too.  But then again, there's a larger, more foolish, part of me who hopes.  Hope kills spirit and souls.  Wait, that's not very nice of me to say, allow me to revise; absurd hope (the kind I happen to be most fluent in) kills MY spirit and PARTS of my soul.  You would think I would have taken some pebble of knowledge from the last "Her" and applied it to my life now, but no.  I still have that immature, childish way of hoping that for once in my life something goes the way I want it.

I have learned now how daft it is to participate in juvenile wishes on things like shooting stars and clocks.  My wishes come true.  And that's where everything fails me.  It's like that moral fictional story, The Monkey's Paw, where your wishes come true, but always in some indirect way that ends up hurting you more than if you had not made the damn wish in the first place.

My first adult wish was on a shooting star, the first shooting star I ever saw, to be specific.  I wished that the first "Her" would still be in love with me.  Sure enough, about a month and a half later, I get a text message on Halloween (of all the Godforsaken days) saying, "I'm still in love with you."  Looking back, the proper response should have been along the lines of, "Well that's fantastic, but you don't care about my feelings on the subject, so your declaration of love is moot."  Instead, that stupid absurd hope bubbled up in me and ended up fucking me over in the end anyway.  And wasted valuable energy that could have been put towards more appropriate emotions instead of the obsessive infatuation that had consumed me.

My second, and final, wish was on a clock.  You know the whole 11:11 business.  And since I'm referring to my audience as "you" when in actuality, it is only one you.  And I know who you are, and you know this whole thing is about you, so I'm going to have to say that it was You who made me make that wish that day in Natura.  The rule is, don't tell your wishes out loud, so what I told you was not my wish.  Mostly 'cause, I don't wish on things that never have a possibility of coming true.  Pfft, unicorns.  Anyway, my actual wish also came true and I honestly want to apologize for it, for two things actually.  The first being that I could never find the courage to admit this to you in person, and I hope you forgive me for that.  The second is that by my wish coming true, I hurt you.  Not directly, but either way you were hurt, even if I was there to help you.  Its naive of me to blame what happened that night on a stupid wish I made, but coincidences like that are too rare for me to allow to just happen purposelessly.

I'm coming out with it now; my second wish was that I could have a chance to be with You.  The same thoughts went through my head as the time I wished on the first Her, "a girl can make wishes on silly things and hope can't she?"  and never once did I ever think either wishes would ever come true.  And then She broke up with you.  You have no idea what incredulous thoughts ran through my head when you sent me that message on facebook chat.  All I thought was, "what have I done?"  Reading through your livejournal I realize now how much you love her.  I'm sorry I tried to come in between that.  I didn't know the full depth of your feelings.

Now that I know my wishes come true with devastating results, I'm not making them anymore.  I'm truly sorry my wish came true.  I can't remember who I told this to once about You but I'm going to tell you what I told them; if you can't be with me because of her, then I at least want to be your friend.  As long as you are happier with her as your girlfriend and me as your friend, then I am content.  I would rather be your friend than nothing at all.

But it seem She wants to take that away from me too.  I have to be your secret friend.  I can't say "hello" to you if I see you tonight cause neither of us want confrontation.

It's not fair.  Nothing is ever fair.

Lesson and story of my life.

Now to wrap everything up in a metaphorical package with a bright, shinny bow.  This. Blows.  I never get what I want, and people and myself get hurt in the process.

The End

. . . yeah right . . . 

**for the second time, in a span of time that is too narrow for me, I hope my blunt honesty doesn't ruin any thing between us.  I just so happen to have the pitiful trait where I take anything I can get and I would rather have this weird "secret friendship" thing with you than have nothing at all.**

Aside to self - I think on some level I have a fear that people will reject me when I am honest with my feelings.  I should look into that and how to fix it.  Good thing I'm a psych major.
  • Current Music
    Indie mix (Death Cab, Wild Sweet Orange, Postal Service, etc.)

sooo

 if your reading this, then you have disproved urself (just so u kno) and i find it highly hilarious that my so-called friends, think they are hurting my ego by not being friends with me anymore... ouch... im sooo hurt.  haha.  so i dont care if no one reads this cause im writing it for myself as an escape and i know i will eventually want to go back and read all my old postings, like i did with my last live journal.  well im tired and im done with this situation for now... i might write about it later.  who knows. 
  • Current Mood
    happy happy

DAMN IT!!!

i wrote a meaningful post about my birthday and who my true friends are and it fucking deleted it.... so instead im going to put the first page of my new story that im writing on here.  anthony, as a writer... let me know what you think.  im only showing everyone the first page cause it doesnt give away too much, but its enough to make you want more.  so here it goes... have fun and let your imagination run wild.... 

 

Kristine has always been looked upon with fear and desire, so it wasn’t unusual when the new girl sat down next to her with a frightened and curious look on her face.  Kristine looked upon her with mild curiosity and decided that she’s beautiful but odd looking.  She had a defined jaw line with a slender neck.  Her rosy lips were thick and pouty and curved up on the sides.  She had cute dimples in her smooth, flawless beige cheeks.  Her thin pointed nose set her face in angular beauty.  Oh, her eyes were the most gorgeous Kristine had ever seen; pale blue.  She had never seen such icy blue eyes look so warm.  And then there was her hair.  Her caramel, honey blonde hair cascaded down her back in flowing, wavy curls.  She sat in her desk with great posture facing forward waiting for the teacher to begin.  As Kristine looked back toward Mr. Frazier, she smiled to herself and thought of what a great conquest was to come.

***

Katherine had never been so intimidated by one person in her entire life, so when she took her new seat, she tried so hard not to return the gaze cast upon her by the so-called ever elusive Kristine.  She had been forewarned about Kristine’s fearful beautiful appearance.  She was told that she would know when she met Kristine.  Kristine was the kind of girl who stood out like a statue in a crowd of moving people.  As soon as Kristine looked away the teacher put his name on the board and began his spiel about something dealing with chemistry.  Apparently his name is Mr. Frazier and he’s from England or Australia; she wasn’t paying any attention to the words themselves, just sounds.  She was too captivated in awe of Kristine’s divine features to pay any attention to the words that were uttered by Frazier.  Kristine glowed in the florescent lights of the dingy classroom.   She had never met anyone who had such magnificent pale skin.  It almost looked cold and hard like marble and Katherine felt the urge to reach out to see if her conclusions were correct.  She had broad shoulders and a defined collarbone and neck line.  Her actual neck was long and slender and gave her the appearance of someone with importance.  Her head was exactly proportional to the rest of her splendid body and her facial features looked liked they were carved straight from a Roman statue.  She had a round face with supple cheeks.  From the side, her chin, lips, and nose all ended at the same distance from her face.  Her lips were plump and the color of blood.  If she hadn’t been so close, she would have thought she was wearing lipstick.  Kristine’s nose was about the same as her own and flared out as her eyes darted sideways to meet Katherine’s own eyes.  She was mortified at the thought of being caught staring, so when Kristine smiled an audible gasp escaped Katherine’s mouth.  Her eyes weren’t like anything she had ever seen before.  At first she saw, large pupils and irises the color of black coffee, but when she smiled they changed so instantly, she couldn’t stifle her gasp.  Such a drastic change was impossible, but it happened.  As she stared into those sparkling, emerald eyes, she felt her lips part and a silent “oh” slithered out and some how reached Kristine’s ears for she smiled wider and the corners of her eyes crinkled with warmth.  Katherine finally broke the stare and gazed back toward the teacher.  She could still see Kristine in her peripheral vision so when Kristine returned her gaze to the teacher, Katherine chanced another glimpse at Kristine.  Her hair was chocolate brown and glossier than the newly waxed floors in the halls.  She was completely dumbfounded by Kristine’s goddess-like beauty.  The bell rang signaling the end of class and Katherine jumped out of her seat, nearly flipping her desk.  Everyone turned quickly toward the loud noise but she was half way to the door with her backpack flung over her shoulder. 

***

  • Current Mood
    artistic artistic

CAUTION... the following blog is probably TMI!!

soooo i just discovered and mastered the technieque of how to get off (big O) with out touching myself with neither my hands nor anything that has the capacity to vibrate!!  im soo excited... and after watching myself in the mirror... i must say that i look amazingly hott when i do it!!!  

i want to tell someone now but its not quite the time since its 3:19 am.  lol.  well i guess i should go to bed now!!! hehehehehe.  (i will tell someone in due time... im proud!!  i didnt think i could effectively get off w/o my vibes.)

**disclaimer** if you read this and were grossed out or appalled... i told you it was Too Much Information!!!  lol.

  • Current Music
    7 weeks - GCH

hmmm i wonder

i dont really kno whats goin on between me and jared.  i told him i was sorry and that i loved him and i was over it... and he didnt say ne thing back to me.  and he hasnt called me or anything... id call him but i dont kno if hes mad at me or not... and i dont wanna ask cause everyone hates it when ashton asks if someone is mad at her... so i dont really kno how to approach this.  anthony said he was ok but then i talked to him on aim and he definately wasnt ok.  idk what to do.  blah!! i have work in 30 min but im in the library now so i just have to walk like 30 ft and im there.  

im starting to get ansy about this house thing... dont get me wrong i want to live with anthony and jared, but we need to find a place soon... cause if something doesnt go right i need time to renew my lease, and that date is comming up faster than i realize.   nicole told me that ucf housing services can help us find a house off campus, non-affilated, and that can meet all of our needs... we just need to go see them tho.  and with all of our conflicting schedules i dont kno how possible it might be.  i dont kno what to do... well i guess i better head over to work soon.  

**jared, will u please txt me or call me to let me kno whats goin on with you?  i dont want to sound like ashton so im only going to say this once, are u still mad at me? **

  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious