September 15th, 2009

Jealousy and Wishes

 Fuck.  (oops, thats how my last post started out too... i promise this isn't a story though . . . or maybe i could make it into one... yeah i think i will.  it'll be more eloquent and true than if i go on a stupid, rambling, bumbling rant of a post.)

So here goes...

Fuck.  Its seems like this is my destiny, my fate, my cruel forever punishment for being a cunt to my ex-boyfriend.  For breaking up with someone who was intensely crazy about me; who loved me more than anything in the world.  Well I didn't love him back and its rude and unhealthy to stay in a relationship with someone who you don't love, especially if the feeling isn't mutual.

I thought I had come full circle when the woman I fell in love with, admitted she couldn't love me and had to force herself to stop.  She ripped apart everything I thought I knew.  She told me that the whole time we were together, she was still in love with her ex.  And now they are happy-go-lucky and engaged and going to be living together in a year or so.  I'll miss her, but no longer love-loss.  I was relieved when I finally fell out of love with her; even though it took a long fucking year to accomplish.

But the world is out to get me again.  And I'm ensnared in jealousy so strong, my vision is starting to tint verdant.  I'm such a fool.  Why did I have to develop feelings for Her (yes, I know, another infamous "Her".  The nameless, faceless, object of my forever interest, now personified in a new person, but still just as unattainable to me and thus gets the exact same capitalized pronoun).  Somehow, I think it would have been different if a few certain things happened sooner than they did.  That damnable game of "What if . . ."

"What if I had revealed my interest when they first piqued?"

The disappointing part is that she wasn't "Her" at that point.  She wasn't unattainable then.  But no, things have to go against the grain in my life; It's so horrible; I'm forever pitiable; and whatever dreary, lousy expression you can come up with.

I think the hardest part is that it's all somewhat mutual.  It would be so much easier if she had no interest; ah, but nothing in life, let alone my own, is ever easy.  Easy is never interesting, and, boy (girl?), is my life interesting.  Either way, she likes me back.  We relate like I have never related to anyone ever before.

The most laughable, and damnable, part of this whole clusterfuck is that we can barely even be friends.  To refer back to a previous point, Jealousy is a fucker.  Because of Jealousy, Im reduced to a smoldering mass of something similar to sadness, and confined to secret friendships.  To say in a very inarticulate manner, This.  Fucking.  Blows.

So for now, I'm at a complete and utter loss of what to do, how to act . . . In all honesty, part of me wants to just turn my back and for once in my life find someone who CAN be with me instead of someone who just wants too.  But then again, there's a larger, more foolish, part of me who hopes.  Hope kills spirit and souls.  Wait, that's not very nice of me to say, allow me to revise; absurd hope (the kind I happen to be most fluent in) kills MY spirit and PARTS of my soul.  You would think I would have taken some pebble of knowledge from the last "Her" and applied it to my life now, but no.  I still have that immature, childish way of hoping that for once in my life something goes the way I want it.

I have learned now how daft it is to participate in juvenile wishes on things like shooting stars and clocks.  My wishes come true.  And that's where everything fails me.  It's like that moral fictional story, The Monkey's Paw, where your wishes come true, but always in some indirect way that ends up hurting you more than if you had not made the damn wish in the first place.

My first adult wish was on a shooting star, the first shooting star I ever saw, to be specific.  I wished that the first "Her" would still be in love with me.  Sure enough, about a month and a half later, I get a text message on Halloween (of all the Godforsaken days) saying, "I'm still in love with you."  Looking back, the proper response should have been along the lines of, "Well that's fantastic, but you don't care about my feelings on the subject, so your declaration of love is moot."  Instead, that stupid absurd hope bubbled up in me and ended up fucking me over in the end anyway.  And wasted valuable energy that could have been put towards more appropriate emotions instead of the obsessive infatuation that had consumed me.

My second, and final, wish was on a clock.  You know the whole 11:11 business.  And since I'm referring to my audience as "you" when in actuality, it is only one you.  And I know who you are, and you know this whole thing is about you, so I'm going to have to say that it was You who made me make that wish that day in Natura.  The rule is, don't tell your wishes out loud, so what I told you was not my wish.  Mostly 'cause, I don't wish on things that never have a possibility of coming true.  Pfft, unicorns.  Anyway, my actual wish also came true and I honestly want to apologize for it, for two things actually.  The first being that I could never find the courage to admit this to you in person, and I hope you forgive me for that.  The second is that by my wish coming true, I hurt you.  Not directly, but either way you were hurt, even if I was there to help you.  Its naive of me to blame what happened that night on a stupid wish I made, but coincidences like that are too rare for me to allow to just happen purposelessly.

I'm coming out with it now; my second wish was that I could have a chance to be with You.  The same thoughts went through my head as the time I wished on the first Her, "a girl can make wishes on silly things and hope can't she?"  and never once did I ever think either wishes would ever come true.  And then She broke up with you.  You have no idea what incredulous thoughts ran through my head when you sent me that message on facebook chat.  All I thought was, "what have I done?"  Reading through your livejournal I realize now how much you love her.  I'm sorry I tried to come in between that.  I didn't know the full depth of your feelings.

Now that I know my wishes come true with devastating results, I'm not making them anymore.  I'm truly sorry my wish came true.  I can't remember who I told this to once about You but I'm going to tell you what I told them; if you can't be with me because of her, then I at least want to be your friend.  As long as you are happier with her as your girlfriend and me as your friend, then I am content.  I would rather be your friend than nothing at all.

But it seem She wants to take that away from me too.  I have to be your secret friend.  I can't say "hello" to you if I see you tonight cause neither of us want confrontation.

It's not fair.  Nothing is ever fair.

Lesson and story of my life.

Now to wrap everything up in a metaphorical package with a bright, shinny bow.  This. Blows.  I never get what I want, and people and myself get hurt in the process.

The End

. . . yeah right . . . 

**for the second time, in a span of time that is too narrow for me, I hope my blunt honesty doesn't ruin any thing between us.  I just so happen to have the pitiful trait where I take anything I can get and I would rather have this weird "secret friendship" thing with you than have nothing at all.**

Aside to self - I think on some level I have a fear that people will reject me when I am honest with my feelings.  I should look into that and how to fix it.  Good thing I'm a psych major.
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