eclipse_n2_lust (eclipse_n2_lust) wrote,
eclipse_n2_lust
eclipse_n2_lust

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Repetition Burns the Soul

 I cried in class today... I thought those days were over when I got over the last Her.  I'm not sure how this happened.  I really didn't mean to fall for her.  It's not love, but it was a slippery slope toward it.  I'm glad I got out now, before that happened, but I've never had to lose a friend before.  Not just a friend.  I've never had to give up someone so amazing; so like me; not perfect, but perfect for me.  I would never make her choose, so I'm taking myself out of the picture.  It feels like giving up.  I hate giving up when it's not a lost cause.  I want to fight for her, but she has never been mine to fight for.  I didn't expect this to hurt so much.  I've only known her for, how long now, three, four, maybe five weeks.  I give myself up too easily.  It seems to always be to people who can't do the same for me.

This situation became too similar as the last Her.  All these secrets.  

"Don't talk about me."
"She'll find out."
"Text and facebook chat only."  

Only nearly untraceable ways of communication.  For fuck's sake, its not like we're engaging in underground blood orgies.  Our "secret meetings" are barely flirtatious and nothing untoward ever goes on.  It's not like we are secretly dating.  We're secretly FRIENDS.  This is bullshit.  I can't do this.  I can't put myself though this.

God!  Thinking about not talking to you hurts so badly.  I miss you so much already.  It's humiliating.  It shouldn't be like this.  I should be OK with this.  Its only been FIVE GODDAMN WEEKS.  I shouldn't have these feelings.  Why does this always happen to me?  It seems like I keep having these intense relationships with people and there isn't ever any sex.  It's all completely emotional.  It hurts worse.

How can something so unphysical hurt so much.  My chest aches and my ribs hurt like I've been punched in the chest.  Thinking about you makes it hard to breath.  I don't understand it.  It would make more sense if I was in love with you.  Such loss of a friend shouldn't do this to me.  I don't get it and it scares me.

I miss you so much.  Come back to me when she's OK with it, please.  I'm buying your surprise gift and holding it for you until that day comes.  I hope it's soon.
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