Boycotting Walmart

so Jared, Anthony and I decided to boycott walmart, for reasons that will only remain with us,  [ ;) ] and ive been thinking about it... and im gonna miss it... walmart was our stress reliever.  if we had a bad day, WALMART!!  thats just how it was.  it was OUR thing... well technically it was Jared and Anthony's thing, but they opened me up to it and welcomed me with loving arms into THEIR thing, making it OUR thing.  few participated with us, and it usually resulted in their dismissal from the game.  as they say, all good things come to an end and im gonna have to resort to the inferior target, and publix... ohh well.  target clothes are better and most of publix's groceries are cheaper.  well im not going to go into detail of the turning point for us, but it was emotional and cleansing... i guess... lol.  but id just like to tell Anthony and Jared something; regardless of what happened that night, i love you both and i dont blame anyone for anything that happened last night.  i love you both sooo much... i honestly dont think you understand how much i care about yall, and jared, i kno we bicker a lot, but, i really do care about you, and i love you dearly.  you both have become two of my best friends, and i hold you both close to my heart.  anthony, if ive ever made you feel bad about the people you talk to, i appologize, and i only ment it to mean that i care enough about you that i dont want to see you get hurt.  i kno you both know these things but i find it hard to keep to myself.  yall have changed my life and i may not be a better person... lol... i have gained new friends, and i cant express how much i care about yall.  i just want you both to kno that if you ever need to talk about anything, im here for you.  and even if you dont want to talk but just need a hug or someone to cuddle with, im here for yall always.  you kno how good i am at keeping your secrets and i would never intentionally betray any of you.  i love you both so much... i wish i could hug yall now... but i cant cause its 3 am.  lol.

i love you!!!!

  • Current Mood
    thankful thankful

READ ME!!

WOAH!! so much has happened since my last post... and so little has happened too.  for one thing, i still feel the same way as the last post but i just wish people would just read my livejournal... it would seriously shine some light on whats goin on in my head.  and that leads me to the big thing that happened today.  so jared and i finally battled it out today.  and its all because he misunderstood something i said.  all i said is that right now i dont want a relationship with a guy cause i want to experience my bisexuality first hand and not in my head... theres a huge difference between fantasizing things and actually going through with them.  and he jumped all over me telling me, what if you find a guy that you can be with for the rest of your life?  and i told him that right now i just dont want a long term relationship and he just started doin his usual thing where his eyes widen and he starts talking in a fast, higher pitched voice, and he shakes his head at me when he does this... it makes me think that hes telling me im wrong and that hes right and all that jazz.  but according to him hes entitled to his own opinion and i shouldnt get mad at him for expressing it and blah blah blah... i dont remember the entire convo but it was long, withdrawn and tiring.  i dont like arguing to people cause i dont think well if im rushed and i usually say a word that i didnt mean to say that turns the entire point im trying to make in the opposite direction.  i dont remember how we got on the topic but i said that i sometimes think im the rare case where homosexuality is brought on by childhood disturbances, like the lack of womanly affection due to my mothers death (which was such a switch since i was showered with affection from my mother) and thus i have a desire to seek attention from women.  well jared flipped and said he cant believe im the kind of person who thinks like the straight population that believes homosexuality is something you choose, not born with.  !!!!!!!!!!!  i did not say that, nor do i believe it... if i dont believe it why would i say it?  and so we got into another argument cause i told him i was offened that he doesnt know me well enough to kno thats not true.  in all seriousness... if he were to read my last post, i think it would be clear to him how i feel about dating men and women.  

im so irked... school starts tomorrow ... im tired.  i guess ill go to bed now.  i wish people would comment my posts, just so i kno that i have an audience.  it depresses me that i release everything out here and no one reads it so i have to reiterate it to ignorant people when they could have just as easily read it.  ne way... good night...

if you read this, whoever you are, could you at least call or txt or leave me a comment to let me kno that u read this... please??.......................
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please????

  • Current Mood
    tired tired

Side Note

 Why is that when I really need to talk to someone, no one is there?  Food for thought (it'll make you feel like shit...  good).  Speaking of shit, i have to get up in 3 hours, boooo :(
  • Current Music
    how far we've come- matchbox twenty

Why do I suck at life?

 I know im new to the half gay community but i already feel like i dont belong...  its weird, i want a girl sooo badly but it seems like im not good enough for either sex.  i thought that by opening up myself to someone of the same sex would increase my potentials but it hasnt... in all actuality, my desire for women has currently stunted my attempts for a guy.  i want to experience the other side of the moon before i pick someone that is the same old same.  Ive been reading a book called, "The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping with Chicks."  So far its been really good, i cant put it down; but it gives me this emptiness that i feel every time i "pet the hampster" (lol).  I feel like a dictionary in a genious' (sp?) house... full of knowlege (i know what to do!!) but im useless cause no one wants to read me, to explore how well i know things.  I feel like a poser when i tell people that im Bi because ive never actually done anything or dated a girl... but its the thought that counts right?  Im so lonely.  I have started to become attatched to my guy friends and its bad for me because im constantly wondering if they were straight... what would happen?  would i fall in love?  would they like me?  and these are all pointless questions but i have nothing else to do with my time except question things.  ive discovered i only have a few fears... they say everyone is afraid of dying and that fear of heights is actually a way of channeling your fear of dying into a different fear; im not afraid of dying, hell, id give up everything to be with my mother again.  im afraid of dying painfully, or nearly dying... if im about to die, i want to actually die... not get hurt so badly im on life support for a week until i wake up and realize im in so much pain that i would have rather died.  but this is all beside the point... my point of this whole fear thing is that im seriously afraid of being alone. im a very loving person and its such a waste to not have anyone to share that with.  but i feel different kinds of alones.  theres sexual/relationship aloneness and friend aloneness.  Depressingly, im feeling both at the moment.  Ive decided that i cant center my life around my friends ne more, sad as it seems, they are too unreliable, i waste so much time just waiting for them; to get ready, be home, hang out, go out to eat... things like that.  im just tired of waiting.  this wouldnt be a problem if my personality didnt get in the way of this easily fixable situation.  i cant invite myself places, its not my thing, and if i start to get the vibe that im a burden to whoever im with, i shut up like a clam and start to feel shity and as some like to consider, i get into a "funk".  its at these times when i just wish i had a best friend.  i have lots of good, even great, friends that i trust and will love till im in my grave, but i never seem to have a best friend.  i dont think ive ever had a true best friend. someone i consider my best friend is best friends with someone else so i get left out of things sometimes cause they go to their best friend.  do i have a personality defect or something?  cause im always considered a great friend, i listen to people, i wont ignore you, i give advice, and if your sad, i have the incredible ability to kno not to ask whats wrong but just to give someone a big bear hug, a kiss on the cheek, and whisper in their ear, "if you need to talk about anything, im here for you."  no one i kno does that.  no one else understands that sometimes the only thing people need are hugs not someone poking into their shit asking, "whats wrong?", "you seem upset."   if someone wants to talk, then let them know ur open to listen without directly prying into their buisness, its a trust thing.  (this is why im going to be a psychologist)  i just dont understand what everyone else in the world has that i dont.  does anyone else find it and oddity that i have never had a mutual best friend.  GOODNESS!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?  im about to start crying so im gonna stop now.  i might write more tomorrow, but i doubt it.

goodnight.
  • Current Music
    kiss kiss- chris brown

Ignorance is NOT bliss

i hate how i have tons of things to bitch about but when i sit down to write it i go blank... well im sooo irked right now that im just going to let loose.  im writing on livejournal for the sheer fact to prove my point... as a great listener, i HATE being ignored.  i hate it even more that i tell people they are ignoring me and then they ignore me while im telling them.  i love anthony to death but he does it the WORST!!!  i explained to anthony and jared today at walmart that jared doesnt ignore me when its just me and him.  however, when jared is with anthony, they both ignore me, and anthony ignores me anytime.  so i was just explaining to perry that it makes me mad how anthony ignores and interupts me and as i was telling perry, anthony started talking to perry about something.  and to help matters, im in ULTRA-BITCH mode this time of the month and i dont even want to deal with my own body, let alone other people.  all i wanted to do is sit shotgun, cause i called it and my back and overies are in pain and im not in any state to climb into the back seat of someones car... and guess who gets it anyway.... yea... whatever.  im in the mood to talk shit... i need to release, and i dont want to yell and take it out on someone else and my friends that irk me are soo catty that they will defy anything i throw at them unless i want to play dirty.. and i usually am the one who gets hurt when people fight dirty.  blah!! im hungry and i have to go chill at natura... i hope it calms me down cause my bitch pills sure as hell dont.  i wish i could put weed in there... that will calm me down... well i gotta go now so jared and aneal can have fun by themselves.
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy

sorry

my first post ever was horrible.  not that yall care... whoever yall are.  who knows?  maybe this is just a stupid way to get things out.  it makes me feel better if i have an audience tho.  im sure i dont. but either way.  ive been so lazy today.  but ive been pretty lonely today too.  i think the reason i sleep so much is cause im so lonely.  its sad i kno, but still.  during the day im a solitary figure in the middle of the fast paced world.  it seems like meaningless interaction (if any at all) takes place during the day... and then at night, like a vampire being awoken, im filled with friends who care.  people who will sit with me, hold me, hug me.  i miss that during the day... when im sitting alone at someone elses apartment cause mine is even lonelier.  no one to talk to... even when there is people here.  i feel like a cute mouse that lives under the couch; everyone knows im here, no one minds, everyone likes me (cause im cute!!...lol), but no one talks to me... pets me, keeps me company.  its pointless to be here at this apt.  i might as well be at my own... where people ignore me too... at least at my apt, i can stay in my room stark naked... i hate clothes.  they are so constricting.  id much rather be typing this in my panties and bra... but i cant.  cause im on someone elses couch.  and thats gross.  lol.  i havent slept naked in so long too.  i hate that.  grrrr i hate clothes.  but on the other side... i like sleeping with other people... i cant do that naked.  so i should compromise.  when i dont sleep with jared in his bed, i shall go home and sleep in the buff.  (good plan but i wont actually do it)... i dont have the money for gas to drive back and forth.  its so stupid.  i hate this thing.  i hate money... well lack thereof.  man im soo hungry... and john is cookin food.  idk if i can eat it.  lol.  i always feel bad when other people cook cause i want it, but i cant ask... im not that kind of person.  im weird... i wont invite myself places either.  ne way.  ive totally strayed so far off any topic... well i guess i never really had a topic.  im ranting about random ass things.  ohh well.  i need to go grocery shopping... badly.  i dont kno how ashton can stay at someone elses house and not eat ne thing.  i guess she has self control over her appetite, unlike me.  lol.  if i stay here much longer i think ill just buy food and cook everyone dinner... anthony, i kno ur reading this eventually, do u think this is a good idea?  huh? huh?  lol.  leave a comment on what u want me to cook u one day.  but u have to actually be here... not think ull be here say around 7 and then show up at like 3.  lol.  u kno im just heckling you... i love you!  lol.   yummmmm johns tacos smell so good.  lol.

as a side note... i dont really like getting phone calls... i mean i love to talk to people i cant see, but id much rather see you.  it just makes me feel more isolated.  its not satisfying enough to just get a phone call.

ok a different topic!!!  ashton and i were talking about guys and we were talking about what size of guys we like, and realized something... girls tend to like guys who are similar to them.  for example, jared is small, not stick thin, but not thick either, and he likes guys who are his size and smaller... ashton who is bigger than jared but still not big enough to call thick, likes guys stick thin and guys who a tad bit bigger than her but are toned... and i on the other hand... am not nearly skinny or small in any way, a little bigger than thick, but not a fat cow, and i couldnt date someone jareds size... i like them with thicker legs, and arms... and i have a wider range of guys i like... i like from that small to about my ex-bf's size when we broke up... same weight (more if its muscle) or less... im not really the kind of person who goes on body... id much rather date a guy or girl who had a pretty face rather than a sexy body... wanna kno why?  its cause i see someones face more often than their body.  and plus it would be rude to put a bag over someones head while we were fuckin around... hahahahahah... lol.  i kno i kno, that was mean... but its all good.  lol.  

ok topic number ?? ... eden and i were talking a couple nights ago and we both came up with a really really good question.  ok... so here it is.  why in the hell do some nameless gay guys like to tease me (sexually), make out, grab my boobs, ass, whatever, and flirt with me??? they are gay... and i cant even get straight guys or lesbians to do that... ive always had the stereotypical gay group with one straight girl who isnt skinny or hott, but she isnt ugly and huge.  y dont hott girls hang out with gay guys... and why do some gay guys get drunk and make out or fool around with that one random girl who rates a anywhere from a 5-7 on a hott scale.  i dont get it.  i guess i fall into that cause; 1) i rate myself about a 7, B) i have a lot of gay guy friends, and 3) ive made out with 2 of them, one teases me and grabs my boobs all the time, and a different third one told me he wanted to make out with me like 3 times an hour.  i just dont get it.  if your gay and you have ne insight on this, please enlighten me... ohhh and dont get me wrong... i love any kind of affection so im definately not complaining... just wondering.

ok i have more to say but ill save it for another day!  i love yall!!  (who ever you are!)

  • Current Music
    Postal Service- The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

ummmm

i have made a discovery within the past hour since i posted my first lj.... i have figured out that i hate blogging..  id so much rather talk to someone than to write it on here.  plus its so impersonal.  who ever is reading this cant tell that im on the verge of tears... and when i say on the verge i mean that some have spilled over.  and no one can tell when there is txts.  plus i feel so emo... cause everyone knows that if you blog... you blog about bad things... so blogs are pessimistic rants about meaningless shit.  grrr. i hate it.  but im still gonna do it.  i cant help it.  somethings are easer to type than to tell.  either way... i just wanna cuddle with someone, and no one can cuddle with you on live journal. 

  • Current Music
    idk whitney houston